


Five Things Matt Smith Didn't Do.

by Lanna Michaels (lannamichaels)



Category: British Actor RPF, Doctor Who RPF
Genre: five things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-01
Updated: 2010-07-01
Packaged: 2017-10-10 08:28:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/97686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lannamichaels/pseuds/Lanna%20Michaels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt from  darknightjess: 5 Things Matt Smith didn't do. Contains possible spoilers through Big Bang.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Things Matt Smith Didn't Do.

**Author's Note:**

> No, really. It was [sadly not a dildo](http://www.abc.net.au/triplej/media/s2871262.htm).

_1\. Play Professional Football_

Matt Smith is not bitter.

(He _was_ bitter, even went years without intentionally watching a match, but he's a bit old for temper tantrums and being angry and feeling betrayed by what he can never control.)

Matt Smith is not bitter, because he's enjoying what he's doing and he's having fun and so what if he's barely touched a football since? Pick up matches are for people who'd never dreamed of getting paid for it.

(Arthur once kicked a ball at him during play rehearsals and Matt started juggling it around, and then stopped himself and kicked the ball squarely at Arthur's head. It missed and bounced off the ceiling.)

But he's not bitter. And that's the important thing.

_2\. Inform Steven Moffat That He's An Asshole_

A part of Matt finds this whole cloak-and-dagger routine for a fucking _audition_ to be the funniest thing he's ever heard of in his life. The other part of him is busy trying to remember his lines.

They'd given him a long, rambling monologue for his second audition, with helpful directions like "at this point, the Doctor walks into a wall". And they hadn't let him keep it for very long.

There's quite a few more people in the room this time, which he'd been told to expect, and they're staring at him like very hungry cheetahs. Matt looks down at the script in his hand. At the top, Steven's written, "Everyone loves your hair."

Matt considers it a testament to his acting skill that he did the scene twice without breaking the fourth wall.

_3\. Tell Anyone (Except For The People He Did)_

So, basically, Matt laughs in the face of NDAs.

"No, I really don't," he assures his lawyer. "I was joking. That was a joke."

He tells his parents and his grandparents. He tells Arthur, too, which is only fair because Arthur is his flatmate and so he's going to see stuff and hear one side of Matt's phone calls. And because Arthur is his boyfriend and Matt would like him to stay his boyfriend and not leave after Matt explodes into tiny little pieces from keeping this secret from him for months. Because Arthur has too much pride to date someone who has exploded into tiny pieces and needs to be stitched back together again by the wonderful and talented doctors at the nearest hospital.

"Mental hospital," Arthur tells him. "Also, what are you going to wear and when are you going to leave?"

Okay, Matt makes that last part up. He can't help it. It's been out for two weeks and he's lost count of how many times he's heard that already.

_4\. Bring A Dildo Onto An Airplane_

The security guards are looking at him like he's some kind of method acting freak. But it's not a dildo and that's the important thing. He thinks they would have been sympathetic to a dildo. He's seen Fight Club and Edward Norton wouldn't lie to him, would he? But the BBC press office probably wouldn't appreciate getting phone calls about Matt bringing dildos onto airplanes, so it's probably better for everyone involved that it's just one of the sonic screwdriver props.

"It lights up when you push it here," he explains for the millionth time. It turns out he'd had the bright idea of not putting it into his checked bag on Bring Your Child To Work Day, or maybe the airport has a day care center, or whatever. The point is, his plane is delayed for two hours and half the airport security personnel have just produced children from thin air.

Matt isn't even sure if he's supposed to be letting anyone see the prop this close and personal, since it's not one of the for-sale toys, it's an actual official prop. Then again, if they hadn't, they probably should have thought about this first. Or told him not to take it on airplanes.

Matt wonders if David ever had to deal with this sort of thing. He'd call and find out, but his plane leaves in two hours. That's probably not long enough for David to finish laughing at him over it.

_5\. Get Them To Give Him A Hat_

Matt is of the opinion that the hat industry needs to be revived. He's done his bit for Harris Tweed, it's time the hat industry got added revenue.

Also, it's cold in Cardiff and he'd like an overcoat, too. Not all the time! But something he could slip on and not have to rely too much on the parka he gets to put on between takes.

He finally nags Steven enough that he writes in a hat for him. And then it gets exploded.

Matt is very sad.

But there are more costume fittings now and he's determined. He will, by god, get them to give him a hat for more than ten minutes at a time. And if not a hat, then a coat.

He has ideas. And he also owns hats. Someday, somehow, he will wear them down until they give him a hat. And it will be fantastic.


End file.
